Knowing is One Thing, Doing Quite Another

I realized that I had to create a new life for myself. Due to the damage to my hands from RA, I could no longer work. This caused a two-fold delima. First, I had always contributed financially. That was gone. That had made me feel I counted. Secondly, what was I going to do with the rest of my life? How could I contribute? I knew I would have to alter my perspective, however, in the beginning I didn't know how and felt at loose ends. I was drifting aimlessly.

Still dogged by needing approval from the "outside" world to feel a part of things, I tried several different endeavors in order to be a acknowledged. I was desparate for validation by everyone. But no matter what I tried, the validation was either not there or short lived. Then I would try something else for validation - volunteering, joining a crusade, whatever. Still, it was never enough to sustain the acceptance I felt I needed.

The question is asked, "why does one keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome?" This question kept swimming around in my mind. Obviously, seeking outside approval was not a solid foundation to find peace of mind. It was all good and well to do what one could with the outside world, but it was not the place to find on-going contentment.

Things began to shift in my mind, changing from a world perspective to a me perspective. Not self-centered and thinking I was all that. But a place where I, myself, was the generating source for whatever happiness I would find. That nothing outside of myself was going to be long-lasting, simply fleeting, to be acknowledged but not used as a port in ones storm.

I found my dependence upon others began to diminish. I found my dependence upon myself increase. And although I am not "organized religious" (which will be a whole other topic), God began figuring prominently in my life. It wasn't just me after all. It was us.