Never Compare

I almost made a judgement this morning. I say "almost" because I caught myself as the thought started swirling in my mind and I stopped it. We are taught to compare. It is a bad lesson. We should never compare ourselves to anyone else, for better or for worse. Do you realize how much stress comparing causes? If you think about it, it's eats up more time than one might believe. And it either gives you a false superiority feeling or a downcast one. By not comparing, you start to be real. You can be yourself and be okay with that. You can accept others as themselves and be okay with that.

Comparing ourselves to anyone else is like comparing apples and bananas. Pointless....

Oberve Versus Command

As I've mentioned, I was under the illusion that the world circulated around me. I didn't dwell on this. I guess I just felt that was the way it was. That is, until I stopped working and was home alone, and the phone rarely rang. That is when it began to dawn on me that the world was going to carry without my assistance. In Wayne Dyer's book, Change Your Life, Change Your Thoughts, a lot is said about being an observer of life, rather than a controller. We are conditioned to be controllers from early on. Be the best, be the leader, take command. It is short-lived, and the fact is, others don't like it. We think we are impressing people by our supposed prowess. We aren't. We are actually pushing them away because they resent it.

I tried the observer stance at a party recently. Rather than talk about me, I listened. In fact, there was one person there who has been very difficult in the past. I pushed those events aside, sat back and really listened to what was said, no judgements, no interjections. To my surprise, it was an interesting conversation and I saw a side of him that I'd not seen before.

It IS better to observe than to command. Seems people feel more comfortable when communicating with someone who lets them be who they are and not feel under attack or in line for an "oh, I'm better than youism".... Because no one is better than anyone else. We are all unique, so comparing ourselves or our experiences to another is really pointless.

Gas Prices Versus Contentment

We were just out for a drive. My car is a ten year old Cavlier that is in good shape. No gas guzzler, which I am grateful for considering gas prices. I observed that the gas prices breaking the $4.00 mark wasn't deterring many as the roads were crowded with cars. People don't care. Oh, I guess some do, but for the most part, we are a debt society and debt doesn't seem to phase many these days. Paying for gas, with the credit card, is just the way things are. Not like in the past when people fought to save money. I don't know for certain, but I think saving is not in vogue anymore.

We are staying close to home at the present because of gas prices. Sure, we have to go certain places, but extra places are not on our agenda. And in a way, this focuses me on what I have....to appreciate what I have....right here at home. To stop wishing for things I don't have or for places that are not close by. So, there's a lesson in gas going through the roof, that is, if one chooses to see it. Contentment can be found in even a situation that is truly out of our control.

He Lifted Me Up

I always believed in God. I just had problems attending a building where a strict code was enforced regarding Him. I tried many of these buildings, and the only word I can think of that expresses how they made me feel was suffocated. Limited and suffocated. To me, God is so immense that he cannot be contained in any one "building" by any one group, although man has made attempts at doing so for all time. And although the life and meaning of Jesus has been translated, analyzed and dissected to the nth degree by varying groups, I believe He is above them all, even if they see him differently.

As I was struggling to rebuild my life, I was led to various books, as if God was speaking to me through the words. Not just books about him, but books about how to live your life and find peace within. I realized I hadn't had much peace my whole life. I'd based my existence on "outside" demands, wants and expectations, and not my heart's. I was always dissapointed. I found there WAS a way to live with peace and contentment.

From all I've read, and am still reading, I am now finally entering a period of peacefulness, within myself. I don't need outside elements to structure my life anymore. It's nice to have people around, but it is no longer a necessity for me. How do I contribute now? By being kind, listening, not judging. But taking care of my home so that it is nice and makes it into a blessing. I still have a stuggle with outside approval, but I am getting stronger and better about this, realizing that my approval of myself is more important than approval from others.

I am studying Tai Chi which brings such peace, as well as far east wisdom, how to live each day to the fullest without being swollowed by the "things" in this world.

I will continue to blog what experiences I have, from sitting and watching the birds, feeling the breeze, watching the clouds and being grateful for each new day. How lucky I am to have my life, knowing how others suffer so. My new beginning has led to more...

Knowing is One Thing, Doing Quite Another

I realized that I had to create a new life for myself. Due to the damage to my hands from RA, I could no longer work. This caused a two-fold delima. First, I had always contributed financially. That was gone. That had made me feel I counted. Secondly, what was I going to do with the rest of my life? How could I contribute? I knew I would have to alter my perspective, however, in the beginning I didn't know how and felt at loose ends. I was drifting aimlessly.

Still dogged by needing approval from the "outside" world to feel a part of things, I tried several different endeavors in order to be a acknowledged. I was desparate for validation by everyone. But no matter what I tried, the validation was either not there or short lived. Then I would try something else for validation - volunteering, joining a crusade, whatever. Still, it was never enough to sustain the acceptance I felt I needed.

The question is asked, "why does one keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome?" This question kept swimming around in my mind. Obviously, seeking outside approval was not a solid foundation to find peace of mind. It was all good and well to do what one could with the outside world, but it was not the place to find on-going contentment.

Things began to shift in my mind, changing from a world perspective to a me perspective. Not self-centered and thinking I was all that. But a place where I, myself, was the generating source for whatever happiness I would find. That nothing outside of myself was going to be long-lasting, simply fleeting, to be acknowledged but not used as a port in ones storm.

I found my dependence upon others began to diminish. I found my dependence upon myself increase. And although I am not "organized religious" (which will be a whole other topic), God began figuring prominently in my life. It wasn't just me after all. It was us.

An Ocean of Time

So, here I was. I no longer had working to structure my day. It was up to me. I'd always thought that once I was no longer working, I would be able to accomplish all those things I never had time to accomplish. But an interesting thing occurred. I had too much time. With no deadlines, things still slipped through the cracks. I'd always think, "I can just do it later." But later never came, and after awhile I was drowning in an ocean of time with nothing to hold on to. I felt unimportant, unneeded and uneffective. As stressful as working could be, this was stressful, too. So my thoughts that if I never worked again, my stress would vanish were also an illusion. The stressors I'd had in the work place were just replaced by a different type of stressors. Theses were self-imposed.

I wanted them gone, but how.....

The Universe REALLY Doesn't Revolve Around Me...

The first thing I realized was that I was no longer in the center of things. Working all those years had given me the "illusion" that others would be at a total loss if I were to leave. I found out different. In fact, after I was "escorted" from that last job, few contacted me. And after a couple years, no one did. All the hours I spent helping others, thinking that without me they would not know which way to turn, well, turned out to be, as I said, an illusion. I was needed when I was present. When I was no longer present, the need vanished.

Now, this was not easily accepted right away. In fact, it took a long time to come to grips with the fact that the universe REALLY didn't revolve around little me. And the realization hurt for awhile. I felt abondoned. I am married to a very nice but independent man. I no longer felt needed by anyone. I felt lost.

The Beginning of Change

I really think my thinking started to change in 2001, a turning point year for everyone. It began when I walked out of the company where I was working on May 30. I didn't realize at the time I would never return to that job. I was scheduled for hand surgery and the recoup was long, but I didn't know at that point that before all was said and done, while I was recouperating, the company would eliminate my position, and after 9/11, I would need surgery on the other hand.... I was unsure of my future and felt very alone. I'm certain I was not by myself that year in this thinking. Others were going through the same thing for all sorts of different reasons.

I hadn't realized how much working had structured my life. I had worked since before college, just a dinky kind of summer job, but then in college, I was a professor's secretary, and then, well, I just kept working year and year....until May 30, 2001, when it just stopped. I'd often thought what it would be like to have total free time, what a dream.


I was soon to find out that sometimes what we wish for really isn't as idyllic as we may think it is going to be. Although I felt tired of the grind, when it stopped, I felt cut off. Like a family that lives for their kids and then the kids leave home, and then what? Well, I guess I was living through my jobs over so many years. And my free time was just finge time. Now it was all time... And I was being forced to spend a lot of time with someone I really didn't know...ME.

Years ago, Uria Heap had a song "Look into the Mirror". I always liked that one, and that is what I was starting to do. The deal with so much free time is that you think more about stuff that you don't think about when you are consumed by a job. You start thinking about who you really are, what purpose you really have and how you might just alter what you have always been to better yourself and the world. Frankly, I'd never given any of that much thought while I was working. But now I felt the need. And I realized that the way I had been living was causing drama and stress - self-inflicted - and I wanted to rid myself of it and start living a more tranquil life.

How to get there was the problem.

I'm Back......

Haven't blogged for a long time. A lot has happened since my last entry, many life changing events. My views on life are in a transition, and I'm curious as to whether anyone else is experiencing this at this point in time. I seem to be led to either a book, a person or a situation which has caused me to re-evaluate just why I am here. Is anyone else out there experiencing this?